She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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