My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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