I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
