I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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