I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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