dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
