I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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