either way he was missing a nipple.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
