i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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