I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
