dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
