you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
