Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
