I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
