I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
