barbara walters just said penis...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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