mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
