either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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