dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
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and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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