I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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