Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
