He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
