they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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