I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He shit in the fireplace
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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