there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
