Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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