Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
