barbara walters just said penis...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
