I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
