I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
