I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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