I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
