i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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