atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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