dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
