Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
