Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
