i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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