dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
