so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
