I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
