I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
