sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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