I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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