not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
