You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
