hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
