A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
