Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
