you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
