I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
