Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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