I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
