The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
