yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
