So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
