Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
