New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
